Now I understand why so many couples never make it on to a boat, even if they both start out really wanting to. I want to talk about the changing power dynamics and gender differences at play when a couple is making the transition from land to boat living and how to avoid mutiny.

The title of this blog could have easily been.

Do I trust my sailing partner? ...or...

Will sailing ruin my marriage? ...or...

What are the chances my spouse throws me overboard?

In one of the first conversations we had with an accountant affiliated with our broker he said, ‘You know, most couples who sail together end up divorced.’

Nice...not sure you saying that is helping you guys sell more boats buddy.

But I gave a lot of thought to his point. Let’s be honest ladies, and gentlemen, who runs the show at home now? Without getting into gender bias or pay inequity or any other sticky subjects, when it comes down to it, who makes the decisions at home generally speaking? Now, put your sailing hat on, you and your husband are on the boat, who makes the decisions on the boat, generally speaking? And therein lies the central issue of the changing power dynamics for liveaboard cruising ...generally speaking.

My husband and I could be happy alone in a broom closet playing cat’s cradle with a piece of brown string. However, much like raising kids, boat things have a way of surfacing everyone’s character defects, and we’ve definitely faced our share of challenges over the years. But this power dynamic thing going on has been baffling to navigate.

I want to start with a quote by Mia in one of their podcasts on 59 North. When referring to how she and her husband do it, she says ‘it takes both gas and breaks to drive a car both fast and safe.’ I could 100% identify with that. When I first met my husband I was enamored by how brave he was to do a double-handed race 14 days through the Pacific in a 24 foot boat. So when we started sailing together I was the passenger, gleefully sipping my lemonade and adjusting my sunhat, blind to the 32 other things going on all at once.

Over time, I started to understand the dangers involved, although he fooled me for a while with his calm demeanor and nerves of steel. To this day I still get a little hot when he demonstrates his special talents with sail trim and he’s never once raised his voice on the boat….ahhh...where was I? Anyway, the more I learned, the more I realized how treacherous the ocean is; there’s a reason people like land masses and snow skiing. So I started questioning him on all aspects of sailing, and anything related to our future plans cruising….

Because a really awesome trait of a wife is to second guess your husband on something he has infinitely more experience about than you do.

So what is going on here? I think there are a few forces at play that don’t make for a great dynamics through this transition.

Risk tolerance. Let’s start with this one.